Open Letter to Dr. Leonore Tiefer

                  Dear Dr. Tiefer,

                                     Your mission seems to be changing people's minds about how they think about sex.  Well, put me down as mission accomplished.  Your book, Sex Is Not A Natural Act, shook me awake out of my complacency and you weren't gentle about it either.  One of the most powerful take-aways for me was the metaphor about learning to play an instrument versus the biology model of sex education.  Why not view sex as a symphony and be swept up in the mood and nuances and spirituality using all kinds of instruments and musical styles?  This metaphor is deeply impactful!  Thank you!

                                    However, as a former card-carrying member of the National Organization of Women, I do disagree with you in some chapters.  Why former?  Because I found that all feminism did was make me angry with half the world's population.  It was feminists who pushed me away when they looked down their noses at my choice to stay home and raise children.  It was a Planned Parenthood survey that fumed right-wing conservatives wanted to take away women's rights to have abortions up to 9 months in utero.  I wasn't for that!?! I thought abortion was only legal up to a couple months.  That was the end of my alliance with feminism.

   

                                   I see the old familiar feminist anger on page 177 where you mention Judith Levine writes "man-hating as an inevitable result of feminist insight,'The personal is political,'"

Must we hate our fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands just because they are men and therefore part of the oppression?  In therapy, this is called 'problem-saturated' language and prevents finding solutions. As social constructionists, can we collaborate with the misogynists in our midst like hip-hop artists to start a conversation about how women are more than sex objects to be used? 

My recommendation is to watch Portlandia and Toni and Candance to get an idea about feminist hostility.  How are Women & Women First sales? Do customers leave with books and a positive experience?  No, not even women customers.  Talk about feminist humor!

                                    By the way, Levine's "joke" about the man "plunging on" on page 178 epitomizes my fear about sex therapy which is too much  focus on whether one partner is satisfied and takes love out of the coital encounters.  This is not funny.  I wonder if we improve relationships if the sexual expression will improve too?

                                   Pioneers like you encounter heavy opposition so the going must get tough for you at times.  In those discouraging moments, remember me and so many others have a new perspective on sex due to your hard work. 

                                    All the best,

                                    Carey

Casting Couch Workout

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is one of my favorites.  But her advice to struggling actors is to "sleep around."

Granted she was giving this advice as a joke, it gives me pause. There used to something shameful or secretive about actresses sleeping with the casting director.  I guess we've progressed in that way.

However, even though the stigma may be gone, isn't this situation an unbalance of power?

That this form of sex is coerced and not freely engaged in but a means to an ends?

I remember meeting an extremely handsome store clerk in Manhattan who told me that he was an aspiring actor but his hopes for an acting career were fading away quickly. He said he had been asked to model for Abercomie & Fitch but the price for his pictures to be used in the stores was to sleep with the photographer.  He had refused. Next thing he knows, auditions were drying up too.

He was pondering his career options as he rung up my purchase.

Years later I am pondering sexual revolution freedoms but are there limits too? Like powerful Hollywood types should not be allowed to exploit young people's dreams of fame for an orgasm.



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Dual Incomes No Sex Couples: True or False

Dual Incomes No Sex Couples (DINS)


Could it be that Esther Perel has met couples who are both working yet have no time

or desire for sex?  Do these couples find themselves where familiarity and responsiblity have killed their desire?

DINS have been getting alot of attention lately from the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times.

But Dr. Pega Ren, a sex therapist from Canada, writes that DINS is a myth according to empirical research. She writes that "the question to ask in not 'How frequently do you have sex?' but 'Is the frequency of sex a problem for you?'"

Wonder if Dr. Ren and Esther Perel agree on this and other aspects of sex therapy?

Dr. Ren's blog about DINS is worth your time at www.smartsextalk.com